Taking back charge 💪💜

Right that’s it enough sitting around and dwelling on my thoughts…time to buck up my ideas, get a hold of myself and get back in charge of Me!

For the past few weeks I’ve beyond let myself go, I’ve got into a trap and let myself Not be in control of things. And now I have, today (yes today, as literally just this moment my eyes have opened), that enough is enough. Yes I’ve been down lately, yes I’ve been struggling with things in my mind and using them as an excuse not to do anything and to dwell. But things are on the up and so I need that kick UP the butt too to get my arse back into the swing of it. Things are moving in a new and good direction, in truth they have been doing so over a good few weeks now, and it’s about time I let myself actually go with the flow and stop holding myself back. I have become my own barrier, and now them barriers need to come down. I have become my own worst enemy.

But no more. I will start today, I will get up in a few hours time (it’s currently 1am as I write this) and I shall attend a slimming world meeting, the whole thing, no weigh and run this week. I shall sit and listen and hopefully learn. This is the start of my new, and very much something I need to do. The exercise is still currently avoiding me, or shall I say I’m avoiding it is more accurate, but this needs to stop. Exercise is not only good for the physical, it is good for the mind too, and I really need to start it up again. Even if it’s small and short workouts at home to begin with. I need to do something. I am on night shifts this week, which does put a small spanner in the works as messes my routine … but saying that, I currently have no routine, so can’t use that as an excuse either! It starts tomorrow no more excuses.

You may well ask what has brought this sudden change of mind to me, well two main things have made me realise I’ve let myself give up on me and let myself go again … the first, my new work trousers, fit…. but only just, a little snug on the legs and bum, I have 3 weeks til I start my new job and therefore I have 3 weeks to make them more comfy! And I will do it, there is no way I’m asking for a bigger size! The second thing, happened today. Luckily I was at home at the time but it has left me sad…… my favourite pair of 3/4 length trousers…. well my thighs decided to burst through them today.. I’m feeling both sad and humiliated at this. So I need to do something about it.

New job starting very soon and new studies in September and a new (ok well not new, but perhaps improved) body along the way. Only I can do this and only I can stop myself. Time to be the bigger person (pun not intended) and move on. The past is the past, and when I wake up it will be a new day, I need to cease that day and continue along my path and stop staring down the crossroads. I know it will not be easy, and I know those barriers will come back at times, but it’s a case of pushing myself through them and not letting them halt me in my tracks. Wish me luck!

Thanks for joining me. Catch you soon xx Feeling positive! 💪😃💜

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Update on …Me :)

Ok ok I know I feel I’ve been beyond crap lately with blogging … to be fair I’ve been crap at pretty much everything.

My diet and exercise since Dublin has taken a complete downward spiral. Well actually to say a downward spiral would indicate some sort of motion, which is completely beyond true. I’ve done nothing in terms of exercise. I have thought about it many times over the weeks. Often driving over the bridge in the town where I live and thinking how a run along the river would be a pretty good thing to do, yeah well that feeling soon wears off by the time I actually get home and can actually go for the run. Of course it would. Thinking about going for a run is one thing, but actually doing it is another whole different ball game.. it involves effort. Something of which has much been lacking in me lately.

And as for the eating healthy. That too has completely been banished to the back of my brain. I had one day, where I actually thought “this is the day. Today I am going to be good and start back on plan.” Yeah well that lasted til lunchtime when I ran out of Diet Pepsi. A trip to the shops lead to the purchasing of regular Pepsi and lots of other foods (or should I say snacks) that shouldn’t be eating. And that is pretty much how it’s been.

If I’m honest, I’ve been feeling a little lost of late. In different ways. I won’t go into detail, but I do feel I’m finally starting to maybe find my way. It’s still not a clear lit path, and some areas are still in the shadows. But I’m on the path and heading in the right direction. (I hope lol). The one thing I will say is I’ve made a huge decision to take a step out of healthcare for a while. For those that don’t know, I currently work as healthcare assistant at my local hospital. And generally speaking I love the job. But my head is just not in it at the moment and I’m taking a step out of it.. not a permanent one. Just a little break. I’m actually venturing into something completely not healthcare related. (More revealed in up coming weeks). But just having made that decision itself to leave, I felt a little weight lifting from my shoulders.

I’m very sure this new path I’m following is leading me to where I need to be, both mentally and physically. And I will keep you updated.

As for the Great North Run. I have decisions to make. There is a part of me that still wants to go ahead with it, as I do still want to beat my last times. However I am wondering as to whether this is the right year for me with all that has been going on for me. I have felt broken in many ways recently, and although the healing is in process I’m just not sure I need the added pressures of the run. The run itself is one pressure, but the main pressure of it for me this time is actually that I was given the place as a golden bond place. Meaning the charity gave me the place in my commitment to raise some funds for them. I’m just not sure I can do this for them. With all the battles going on in my mind. So is it better to withdraw now and let the place be available for someone else? Or should I shut up, and face up and crack on and do it? I honestly don’t know the answer right now 😦 I don’t feel the running training is the issue. (She says whilst having no motivation to actually run whilst sat on sofa doing sweet nothing). It’s all the extra stuff that needs to go into it. Promoting and fundraising etc. But at same time I don’t want to let the charity down. But not sure they will get my all either. Decisions decisions.

So with that last thought I shall let you return to your day. Hopefully next week will be the start of my healthy eating journey. And maybe I can at least, maybe start to get some home workouts out done, which may even turn lead to actually going for runs… we can but wait and see.

Thanks for being here for my journey. And hope to catch you all again soon. Hopefully with reports of aches and pains from working out lol.

In the mean time take care 💜

Still alive….

Just a short one just to say I apologise for my lack of updates, however since returning from Dublin I seemed to have lost my mojo a little.

Sometimes when you spend a huge amount of time trying to achieve something, and then that something comes by, the mojo from the achievement falls away a little.

Since returning from Dublin I have failed to stick to plan with slimming world and, even worse still, I have yet to do any form of run or exercise, (and even more worse I’ve gained 5.5lbs over the 2 weeks) … very sad considering how well I was doing with myself before hand. I can’t even say I have no more goals in sight to push for, as that is far from true. My bestie is having a birthday bash in 3 weeks time, and I need to be in at least Dublin shape for that as the outfit I want to wear I know fits well for that figure I had. … I then also have a concert I’m going to in June, where I want to feel comfy and happy with myself. And then the most important of all, especially with the running malarkey, I have the Great North run in September and right now I think my running has gone back to less than basics.

So what has caused all this lack of mojo, I couldn’t tell you exactly, I am but my own worse enemy at times, and the more people tell him how great I’ve done so far and how not to ruin it, and how I need to get back into it.. to be perfectly honest the more I want to stick my fingers up at the world and eat crap and sit on my day butt all day. I know this is not the attitude! And I know I need to really turn this around. And I will.

I will aim to attempt some exercise tomorrow, and at least a run between now and the weekend. So please have your fingers crossed for me!

I’ll keep you posted whether I manage to motivate myself or if I’m still in a sloppy slumber.

Thanks for checking in.

Catch you soon xx

Dublin

So the time came, today was the day, would I fit in the seat of the Ryan air or would I need to ask for an extender belt and would I be asked to move seat….

Well, what I can say, is that after arriving at the airport a couple of hours before flight was actually due, I spent the entire time studying the other passengers, ok not all of them… just those of the slightly larger capacity. Were they going to be on the same flight? Does there butt fit in the seats? Could I actually ask them if they’d flown Ryan air before and how did they find the seats?

All these thoughts running through my mind, the anxiety building, getting more stressed as the flight arrived (now usually my concern is the flight itself as I’m not a keen flier, but alas, today that fear was taken over but the new fear).

So the time arrives that the gate opens, we head to the boarding area, and now more than ever I’m people watching, sizing people up, and sussing whether their butts and bellies are bigger than mine… now if you’ve ever done this, you’ll realise it’s actually quite an interesting task. Now as we sat there waiting, now this is going to sound so horrible of me… but I’m going to say it anyway, we were sat there, waiting to board, my stress levels rising and feeling a little worried… and then, this is the evil part, two people, a girl and a guy, came down and sat pretty much opposite us, and I can say at this point, my whole body relaxed a little (don’t get me wrong was still nervous as to if I’d fit) but seeing them there, I felt so much better… they were (or at least, without me physically asking them their sizes) they appeared to be of larger proportions to me… and they were talking about having flown in Ryan air before … so, although still a little worried I did at this point think to myself “well if they can fit I sure as hell can” (I’m so sorry for thinking these things but I really needed that comfort… and let’s all be honest, we’d all have thought it!)

So we board the plane, I’m feeling a little more at ease, that is until I see my seat… now we had paid for extra leg room, as being 6ft+ tall it’s kind of a must… only so much squishing a girl can take!)

I see my seat, and my heart drops, we do t have raisable armrests (now this I was counting on as my saving grace, if I didn’t fit I was going to take some of the other half’s space)… but now he dread hits, I can’t do that, I’m going to have to fit, the seat looks awfully small and I begin to panic, so I quickly try and sit down…..

And with a huge relief, my butt actually fits, don’t get me wrong there is no gap between me and the sides but at the same time, I feel comfortable, I don’t feel parts being dug into me, and I wasn’t flapping over the seat sides either… now the next test, the seatbelt. I take a deep breath, put it in its loosest fitting and close my eyes and attempt to do it up…. it fits! And not only hat I can even tighten it .. just a little bit I can … the relief and happiness now brimming from me, I sit back and enjoy my flight! Didn’t even stress when we hit a little turbulence.

My hard work and dedication paid off, obviously have to be careful not to go too crazy over the weekend as still need to get back in the seat on the way home, (and I’m very capable of gaining a good 1/2 stone in a week if I’m not careful). But I can relax and enjoy myself now! And I intend too!

Don’t worry this is not the end of my running journey, it is just first challenge where I have won! A few more left in the pipeline yet.

But for the rest of this weekend, I will probably be quiet as I’m in Dublin baby!!

Thanks so much for all being part of my journey so far, and I will most definitely catch you all soon xx

Feeling good :)

Today was weigh day, and the past few weeks haven’t been too kind, both weeks with a 1.5lb loss each, which yes a loss is a loss but I wasn’t happy with that. Now my usual past actions would have been to go on to sulk and eat my sorrows away, but this time round I didn’t. I stuck with it all, I’ve worked out and run over past week (as you all well know) and food wise I’ve mostly been good (I say mostly as did have a little more chocolate than of late and a couple of mini pork pies) but generally stuck to plan…. and this week it’s paid off. A nice 5.5lbs off this week, and I achieved my 2 stone award, and I’ve dropped down into the next stone bracket. I’m still a stone away from where I’d have liked to have been at this point, but I am really happy with the 2 stone!

So weigh day is usually my treat day, and I did oblige, I had a pizza (not takeout, an oven cooked one) and have had a couple of glasses Pepsi. But I have also got off my butt and done a workout, so at least a good half of that pizza was earned lol.

Feeling good, but with Dublin fast approaching (this Friday) I’m still the usual anxious about the flight, but not much I can do now, just use the next few days to fully focus and workout/run and just go with the flow.

I am very much looking forward to a nice long weekend away though, feel it’s well earned.

Thanks for joining me, catch you soon x

Just a small workout (and hence a small blog) today, including a 10minute stint on the “twist & shape” machine, mostly leg work, by 50% fat burn zone and 50% cardio .. according to the Fitbit! A 32min workout in total, not huge but a lot better than sitting on backside for that 30mins. So I’ll take it.

Just about to head into 4 in a row night shifts, but will try to get a run or two in there, not sure how well I’ll do with that, as with nights I tend to be in eat, sleep, work, repeat mode … but shall give it a shot! Wish me luck!

Catch you soon x

Gotta keep moving

So today my day started, full of enthusiasm to go for a run, the weather was a bit of a deterrent and so I put it off all day.

The evening then arrived, my step count, at best, was around the 4000 mark…pretty crap really. At this time the motivation for the run had vanished and the idea of a workout was a scary one.

However, I sat here, a few things brewing on my mind causing me to get a little stressed and thought I had better get up and do something, so I went and got changed and decided to do a workout, I completed my warm-up and did sit-up/leg-press/air-bike circuit and then thought sod this, put my headphones in, and off I went for a run! A nice fairly easy 6km…. I say fairly easy, the initial start of run was obviously not easy, my legs felt heavy and they didn’t want to move, my breathing, well let’s just say I am lucky no one called me an ambulance… but I kept going, despite a part of me thinking to just give up and go home, I had to dig deep, and I had to bring my stresses to the fore front of my mind. This is my distraction technique, I take all the thoughts that are running through my mind, and I literally focus them into my run energy, it really does work. If anyone could look into my mind during a run and see what’s going on I’m not sure if they’d be completely amused, confused or shocked.. I have many an argument with myself at times, I’ve written many of my essays (or at least the plans for them) during runs and I have lots of discussions with myself … yep now I sound completely and utterly barking mad. But it works for me, it clears my mind and helps me sort out things that are bugging me.

So I channelled all my minds thoughts today into my run, and after the initial 10 minutes, I found my rhythm. The legs lightened up and began to feel at ease, and my breathing settled to a better rhythm.

6km completed, my pace increased a little, and the run felt good, it was comfortable and I felt so much better after.

So, my advice from today, is don’t let the troubles weigh in your mind and out you off a run, instead use them to your advantage, channel that energy into your run and at the end of it you will genuinely feel a bit better! I can’t promise it will solve everything, but it really does help to just refocus the mind….it does for me anyways and I really hope it does for you too!

So with just over a week til Dublin, weigh in on Monday was really disappointing, a mere 1.5lb, which yes I know is great, it’s still a loss etc etc, but I personally felt very disheartened by it. But hey, I’ve not let it get me too down like it would have in the past, I have remained focused and kept on the good eating track. Hopefully one week my efforts will pay off and I’ll see a nice loss, but in the mean time, a loss is a loss and they all add up! (That’s what I’m having to keep telling myself anyways).

So keep going guys, push through those days when you really don’t want to do it! Because you can do it and you will feel a whole lot better for it!

Also I’d like to say thank you all for taking the time to read my blog, hope your all enjoying the journey with me!

Thanks for reading! Catch you soon x