Feeling good ☺️

This week has been very good. I’ve stayed on plan all week. And because of that, today I was going to allow myself a little treat “off plan.”

My sister was down in Devon to collect her dog, whom we’ve been looking after for the past month. We were all going to go for a cream tea! I was ok with this as knew it would be only the one meal. We went to a local tea room for our lunch. But all decided we’d have something proper for lunch first. Now the “other me” that usual little devil on my shoulder, would usually convince me that this would the time to have a burger, or some chips, or something else that would be “bad” for me…. but I didn’t even second think it. I opted for a jacket potato with cheese and beans. No butter. And a side salad. It did come with a very nice looking creamy coleslaw too. I enjoyed my jacket potato, and also quite happily left the coleslaw. Didn’t feel like I was missing out at all.

After this we were all a little too stuffed for anything else at this point and decided we’d all have the cream tea later instead. We went for a lovely afternoon walk to Heddon Valley, after we headed to the pub for the cream tea… alas, not meant to be, the pub is currently not serving food. The small tea shop nearby was selling cakes, but I was more than happy to turn it down and didn’t even feel I was missing out.

So no cream tea. A morning of being “on plan” a bit of exercise. All was good!

I get home, and I’m offered a takeaway for dinner. Nope! Not going there, I’ve been good, I was prepared to falter for the cream tea, but nothing else. So I made myself some slimming world burgers, with slimming world chips and salad.

So from being so good all day, I decided to treat myself. Half a tub of Halo Top salted caramel ice cream (8syns) and a crushed meringue nest (2.5syns) and some strawberries and raspberries. It was amazing! Like totally worth every single syn. I felt like I was eating a proper restaurant dessert. Sooooo yummy. Like melt in your mouth goodness. I highly recommend to anyone. Well worth everyone of those 10.5syns. And I still had plenty of syns to play with as have a good few in my personal allowance.

So after staying completely on track all day. Getting some good exercise in. I’ve also prepped all my meals for when at work tomorrow, some fruit and then a wholemeal pitta with ham and cheese for breakfast. And then a bolognaise for lunch. I’m feeling very focused this week. Hopefully the scales will reflect the focus. But if not, it will not beat me, it will catch up and show either the following week or the one after that. As long as I keep my focus.

This week has felt very easy to stay on plan. Compared. Especially to recent months and weeks where I’ve really struggled. I was good then wouldn’t be etc. This week has felt good. No real struggles…… actually that’s not true. I did have one day mid week where I was having a bad day, and my emotions were getting on top of me, and I was really wanting crap, really wanted some Pepsi. But I stayed strong. With the power of Facebook and support from my lovely SW team. I stayed on track and got over the “want.” I’ve not craved the bad so much this week as I’ve used my syns wisely. When I’ve felt a little “I wanna eat bad” I’ll reach for the Halo ice cream, or I’ll look for a treat that’s a better choice. Not one day have I been over my syns. And only on 2 days have I actually reached my full syn allowance. I feel good. Feeling amazing. Feeling positive. Bring on next week 🙂

So week 1 almost complete. Week 2 here I come.

A big Thanks to you all💕💕💕

Thanks for reading. Catch you later 💕💕

Gym trip success or not? 🤔

My day did not begin well. I woke up at some stupid early hour on my day off to wake the pre teen up for school…. the battle ensued. Over the course of the next hour, trying to get his butt out of bed and to school. Shouting, asking nicely, removing his prized possessions… none of it worked. So I gave up. I know I shouldn’t have. But I have so many personal battles going on inside me right now that after the hour I didn’t want to fight anymore. So he won. I told the school straight as to why he was not going in, he’s not happy about all the new “bubbles” he couldnt cope with the changes today of being kept away from friends from other years and class groups, the having to wear masks in certain areas of school etc etc.

So I let him stay home. We talked about it a bit later when we’d both calmed down. The usual about how school is not a choice it’s the law and he has to go. Then he asks the dreaded question…. dreaded, because how can I say no when I’ve said yes in the past to his sister ….”can’t he be homed school” trouble is part of me wants to say actually yes you can. And then the other part is saying no! I’m part tempted to give him a trial run, see if he actually does the work, and sticks to it… and if not inform him from the beginning he will be going back to school if he does not do the work. And then part of me is saying nope, not doing it he’s going in! But I know the battle. I had it before with Charlotte. I know the upset and distress it causes to me and to them. And I’m not sure I can go through all that again. Not right now. But I’ll have to really think about it.

So yeah, that kicked my day into a negative mood, leaving me angry, irritable and grumpy first thing. This made me want to throw in the towel, stray off plan, drink Pepsi and eat loads of crap. But I managed to hang in there. Stayed strong, luckily with some meals ready made up in fridge I didn’t have to stress over prepping just a quick whack in the microwave. So that helped a lot.

I did cave at one point and had 6 squares of a Cadbury’s caramel bar (total of 9syns) but in all honesty I didn’t actually enjoy it at all.

The internal mind battle continued. Luckily I couldn’t be arsed to take my lard Arse to the shop to buy real Pepsi. So I managed to stick with the diet and effectively stay on plan.

So to distract myself, I actually asked Charlotte about coming to the gym. So here I am sat on the mat waiting on her to finish up (I’m beat now I’ve done my workout lol). I’m feeling very proud of myself. I actually completed day 1 of the NHS couch to 5km. Day 1 being 5mins brisk walk to begin followed by 1min run, 1.5min walk for a total of 20mins workout. And I can actually say that although I did feel the 1min run sections…. I actually didn’t struggle to much. I feel I completed it fairly comfortably, which considering I’ve not run in god knows how many months… I was rather impressed. I Then followed this with some sit ups, leg raisers, squats and lunges. So all in all not a bad workout! Oh and a 30second plank! (Feeling a little happy with that one) … First proper workout in absolute months. And feeling better now! Inside and out (not sure I’ll be saying the same tomorrow when the aches kick in 🤣🤣)

So that’s it, not much else to say today! Roll on tomorrow and let’s Hope the path of “plan” remains in place!

So thanks for popping by. Catch you later 💕💕

Positive post for a change……well mostly 🤣🤣

Today has been a good day. Mostly a good day anyway. After losing 1lb With slimming world over the past week… although I’m pretty sure that’s just from not having jeans on and wearing 3/4 length jeans instead 🤣 because I didn’t really stick to plan at all well last week. Was a very mix and match week. So effectively a write off. But that 1lb has given me a little nudge and today I have been on top of it. Stayed in control and feel good about it.

So breakfast consisted of a cheese and vegetable omelette (peppers and onion) alongside lean and light sausages from Asda and 3 rashes bacon, all fat removed. so a nice 1.5syns for brekkie.

Still feeling positive and focused I tried a new recipe for dinner, from the book I got from SW this week. The cheeseburger pasta bake. A little alteration as I don’t like “full on” tomatoes. But otherwise all good. Tasted great and plenty left over for tomorrow. Also had some excess mince from the pack as was a 750g pack, so cooked up a batch of “dirty rice” so that I have that as a go to tomorrow/day after as well. For the pasta bake I also added extra extra cheese but still only 2 syns per portion.

Now I confess, as much as I have drunk Diet Pepsi for the majority of the day, I did have about 1/2 bottle of real Pepsi left over from last night. So I did finish it …… but I did “syn” it and although was a good few syns, I still managed to finish the day bang on my allowance for the day. So again all positive.

The not so positive part…. I did also go to the gym this evening…. very very reluctantly. But unfortunately had a bit of a stomach ache when there so kind of gave up really early and pretty much did next to nothing, except 10mins on the treadmill walking.

But tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully the gym visit will be better.

So yes, it is only one day in, and I still have a further six days to make it through before I can truly celebrate. But I am feeling positive after today. I have my Meals planned out ready for tomorrow. A planned gym visit tomorrow too. Hopefully all will go according to plan.

I’m already looking forward to my planned desert treat tomorrow evening. So gotta earn it lol.

As for the mental state…. Well again tosay is a good day. Positive feelings from a “good food” day. University is partly sorted and hopefully my timetable will be through in the next few days. I’ve mostly de cluttered the bedroom, although I do still have some drawers to build and then I can sort out the last few bits there. So yeah overall today is a good day and I’m feeling ok!

So with little else to say today I shall leave it there for now!

Thanks for reading! Catch you soon 💕💕

Same s**t different day….

Today I feel like absolute pants. Not in an unwell term, but in an overall fed up, miserable, moody, grumpy, upset, angry, and generally blahhhhh at the world sort of way. It’s a down day 😞. But it’ll pass. I just need to go with it and let the tornado pass by.

This doesn’t help…… I’ve just walked the dog and I mean”walked” no speed to my step, a casual walk around the block, no hills, no inclines what so ever. And I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and making me feel really breathless.

I was fairly ok the other week, I began eating a little better. I managed 3 whole days drinking mostly Diet Pepsi. But then I’ve just reversed back a little again. And I’m feeing it. I think the physical feelings are in reality actually emotional feelings that I just can’t process properly so it’s weighing down on me, because nothing else has really changed over past couple of days. Now I know some of you will be thinking “what is she going on about, her physical feelings right now are really emotional… what?? Is she on drugs” and then others of you will be like “yeah I do get what she’s saying”……. sometimes when you have things going on, and you have no way to process them or release them so to speak, the body is going to take the toll, and it’s going to react. Now for some this may be upset stomachs, others problems sleeping and many other ways it expresses itself within. For me, I think it’s the weight on the chest… a bit like a weigh on your shoulders so to speak.. my shoulders however can take that weight 😉 … my chest however, the feeing like I can’t catch my breath…. that’s the way to get to me. Make me feel it. Make me realise that somethings up.

So, what am I going to do about it. Well I am currently sat here, with all my slimming world books around me, ready for a bit of bedtime reading. Earlier I went to the shop and got myself a few bits to help me get started tomorrow. And with the feeing like I’m a complete beached whale, maybe that’s enough to get me out there. I hope to start walking tomorrow, (yeah I know that makes me sound like I’ve sat purely on my arse for who knows how long… which I won’t lie, is a little true to an extent, 2 days off work and I’ve not really done a huge amount of things, I’ve not been completely idle, but defo a lot less active than on work days). I also rejoined my slimming world group… real actual group sessions are back on now, which I hope will make a difference to me and my journey. Can’t promise it will, but I’m hoping it will help.

I need to stop moping, sitting about and thinking negatively. I need to de clutter, both my mind and my physical surroundings. Bring some order back. Bring some routine back. And bring a focus back.

It’s hard when I’m at a standstill point with college… waiting to hear about start date. Waiting to even enroll in order to make sure student finance comes through, but when you call it’s all “voicemails.” So that’s all very frustrating.

It’s hard when life keeps throwing things in my path. And it’s hard when you struggle to gain control of feelings and emotions. Because as they run riot, the focus goes, chaos ensues and all seems at a loss. It seems pointless. It’s seems too hard. And that’s when the self pity, self doubting and the “I give up” feelings come into play. The little demons that play with your mind and emotions and make the battle that little bit harder. But it’s a battle. And I will win it. Some of the most famous battles of history took time to win. And that’s what this will be, a long hard fight of a battle, but I will fight it.

Going back to my past post, I did hear back from the GP surgery, oh so briefly, telling me “yes I do qualify for weight loss surgery, I just now need to be referred” …. still waiting, so I think that’ll be one of my calls I need to make tomorrow, along with chasing the college again 🤣. I know it’s not the magic wand cure for everything, but I need to explore that option. Who knows I may decide that actually I can do this the non surgical route…. but I need to find that out by looking at the options that may be available.

So, well that’s me for now. Nothing too exciting I know. No real changes, same complaints different day 🤣🤣. Hopefully my next blog will be far more an entertaining read. But for me it’s a release and helps me let off some steam, so hope your still come back again and I’ve not bored you away.

Thanks for reading, catch you soon 💕💕

Gym blog

Well it’s even a while, and sadly no changes to “me.”

I am however, currently writing this whilst sitting on (and using) and exercise Bike in the gym! (distraction Tatics or I will look at bike panel and see Ive done very little yet still feel like I’m dying.

A very reluctant gym visit I must say. I really did not want to come (and still don’t particularly want to be here), but I guess the fact that I am, even if only half hearted… is that I’m here!

I felt like I was dying and like I’d done a full workout just walking up the stairs to the upper floor… then proceeded to start off on the treadmill… the actual aim was to literally do half an hour walking on the treadmill… first day back and all… however 10mins in, I’m feeling awkward walking on it.. I’m feeing the desperate urge to try running but know my body can’t handle that right now. So walking on it is all I can do… and it soon becomes an issue, the side rails are in my way for walking, I don’t know what to do with my arms, they feel weird in “walk” motion, and I keep whacking them on the sides. Having them up in mode for jogging just feels even more wrong. So I’m at a loss and cut the treadmill short and just 12mins of walking.

And that’s then how ended up on the bike currently on… luckily it’s one of them ones you kind of sit back into a pedal away… obviously my level of exertion, especially whilst typing this, is not overly “die” mode, but I’m feeling pretty warm, slightly breathless and yet know I’ve got a damn good few mins in now that I’ve distracted myself. Lol. Kind of reluctant to move now.

On a plus I’m out. I’m in the gym. My weight may not have gone down at all or my diet changed since my melt down previous blog… but this is the first small step in a bigger staircase I need to climb. The first step is the hardest they say…. I agree, but I also think that the next few following steps will be equally a struggle and a mass effort..

I’ll get there eventually.

I have now spoken to and am awaiting further advise back from GP regarding help for weight loss. Yes I have approached the topic of surgical intervention (which to be honest I very much doubt I’d ever qualify for.. because all though my bmi and weight say I’m playing a very dangerous life game… all my blood work, cholesterol levels, thyroid levels, kidney and liver functions… are all absolutely fine! Which I know is a good thing) but no I’ve not ruled it out and I can’t say I don’t want to be considered for it …. as I really do. I know many will think that’s a major cop out. But I’ve spent most of my adult life, most certainly the past 10years really battling with weight loss. And maintaining it. So I’m willing to see what that path may look like. But like I said, I dont believe I qualify anyway. But I will await their wisdom and see what they say about all aspects of what options and help is available.

Just looked at panel and I’ve actually done wuite well… almost 20 mins into my cycle now. Knee starting to feel a bit tight so gonna call it a day on this one.

So that’s all for now. Thanks for stopping by. Hopefully I’ll be back again soon with a more positive blog post. (I doubt it lol, but I’ll try).

I’m off home to not move for a while as legs are now like jelly.. luckily charlottes driving tonight 🤣.

Catch you soon 💕

The Awakening 😔😔😔

Now I know how unhealthy and unfit I am… I know that over the past few months (well the past year and a half really) I’ve lost all self control and my weight (and body) has grown accordingly. But today it really hit home.

Usually and more recently I’ve taken to having showers, (due to an issue with have with the hot water maintaining its heat when running a bath). But this evening, I thought “I’ll have a bath” … HUGE mistake…

For a change, the hot water actually worked, bath temperature was ok. Getting into the bath… a whole other story. Now my knees have been playing up lately, specifically my left one (I twisted it when heaving 14 packs of ceramic flooring tiles a couple of weeks ago and it’s been very “angry” since), and sitting down into the bath in the first place was a tricky task, I actually had a moment where I did think… I actually can’t do this, I’m going to have to have a shower now anyway, (I felt absolutely horrified at myself, and I’ll admit, a little concerned if I was going to be able to even get back out again). But with some perseverance and great awkwardness. I got in.

Lying in the bath, the three rolls of stomach I have now developed, left me feeling sick at myself, the fact I felt squished and more whale like than ever before in my life… I actually shed tears…. tears of disgust and of anger at myself and how I let myself become this. Leaving the bath was again a bit of a struggle, but a lot easier, Bizarrely than the getting into the bath in the first place.

Now luckily I’d already sat in on my first slimming world meeting for a good few weeks this morning , and was already beginning to feel the “want” to starting to loose weight…. but now, after what is possibly on the most embarrassing and horrible moment of my life.. (and I was alone in the bathroom so that takes some doing to be embarrassed at yourself when no one to embarrass yourself in front of).. I have realised that now I really do need to pick myself up and start afresh with myself. Eat better, exercise more, shift the pounds and the inches together, get back to a position where I can go for a run (right now I think I’d blow my knee joint completely if I did that’s).

I know I’ve said many times over how I need to be better, I need to exercise more and eat better. And I know I’ve many times “started over” with the process… but this time I really do need to have to do this. For myself and for my kids.

The shame at myself I felt today was horrible. I don’t want to feel so body shamed again. I know I have no one to blame but myself for where I’m at. And I know there are some trolls out there possibly actually reading this right now (although doubtful as I usually barely scrape 5 views 🤣) who may feel the need to write hurtful and shaming comments… but at this point I don’t care. I need to be brutally honest with myself, and with you, how things are. As without doing that, I would continue to be in the little bubble where I don’t see what I’ve done… I still feel it, but I by avoiding all mirrors or any form of reflections, I can pretend to myself it’s not as bad as it really is. But now, no more pretending, no more hiding, no more fear of seeing a reflection of myself. No more avoiding slimming world group calls because I feel like I look like the character from Beetlejuice (the one with the tiny head on the massive body… as that’s how I feel I look on the zoom meetings).

The fact I feel breathless just moving. The fact my body aches like hell. The fact I desperately want a nice wood frame bed, (but am afraid to buy one as I’m over most of the max weight capacity per person for them), so would likely break it in no time at all. The fact I’m afraid to sit on chairs in public in fear they may break. The fact I hate the way I look and feel every single day. The fact I hate doing anything as I feel so crap about myself. The fact I look hideous in my highlighter uniform because it is far from flattering. The fact I struggle to buy clothes (being an over 6ft tall female to begin with is hard enough, now add in the size clothing I require, and it’s damn near impossible). The fact I feel embarrassed for my kids if I have to pick them up or take them places … who would want to be seen with me 😔 I hate myself for what I’ve done to me. I weigh 22st 11lbs. I’m disgusted at that. I’m 39 years old… that is not good!

And now I need to do something about it. No one else can. Only I have the power to change me. It’s not going to be anywhere near an easy task. I’ll have to take each day as it comes. Feeling down, becomes a never ending cycle. Something happens in life that brings you down, sometimes it knocks you so far down that it feels like you are buried so deep you can’t get back up. And then you look at yourself and feel even worse, so then you eat crappy food because you feel really down and want the sugar high so to speak, that lasts all of two minutes before you start feeling even more crappy because you’ve eaten crappy foods and you know it’s not doing you any good. (Even though it really does taste good for that initial moment), but then it takes you back round to the feeling really down at yourself. That vicious circle that I am well and truly wrapped up in. The trouble is any small emotional upset, at the moment, sends me into major spiral down. And that is what I need to stop. Feeling down and eating crap do NOT in any way help you get a positive feeling. It’s hard, especially knowing I never used to be that way (I have always been a fairly “strong” person… not so much now). Don’t get me wrong I’ve never been a supermodel in body size, at over 6ft tall most of my late teens upwards, my body frame itself is not petite, but it definitely far smaller than it currently stands. A good third of my current body weight needs to go. In fact not far off half… 7 stone loss would be great, but closer to 10 stone would be where I was at after just having my first child at the age of 20 (13st). I don’t think I’ll ever get back to that, but somewhere between the two… I’d be ecstatic!!! Literally jumping for joy, I’d happily run around naked with joy at that size 🤣🤣🤣 (don’t worry I’ll spare you all that.. but you get my gist).

So I need to start….. I have the tools. I have the support of an amazing slimming world group and group leader. And now I need to do is all proud. I want to be one of those success stories you read In The magazines… huge weight loss, make over, confidence boost. (I can’t ever see the magazines wanting me and my story, but I’d like to dream I could be).

I hope you all stick about and haven’t got too fed up with my repeating “this is the first step.” As i really do appreciate you taking the time to read this blog. It helps encourage me to stay positive.

I’ll hopefully blog my journey a lot better than I have been blogging in general lately. Some days will be good and happy, some days I will likely be in tears and angry and upset for whatever the reason may be. But it is the journey that counts and the making sure I get to where I want to be. Who knows how long it will take. But I am determined I want to do this. So please bare with me. Please keep reading. I promise to continue to be brutally honest with myself (and therefore with you) as by doing that I am more likely to achieve my goal. 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

So on that note, I shall leave it at that for now. I’ll be back I. Next few days with an update.

Thanks again for stopping by.

Catch you soon 💕💕

Walking mission🚶‍♀️

So today should have been the day, I should currently be filled with overwhelming pride in myself, and aching like absolute crazy. Today should have been my first marathon.

Now I know it’s been a very back and forth decision as to whether I was actually going to take part or not anyways. And had it actually gone ahead… let’s just say I’m lucky it didn’t, as ha dot and I’d taken part …I probably wouldn’t be celebrating right now, I would likely be in hospital after collapse due to my current fitness levels. So I guess we can say it’s a lucky escape it was postponed. And I’ve learned my lesson…. that time passes by a lot quicker than we like, and I need to sort my arse out NOW if I’m even to think about 2021 Marathon. Which I am thinking about.

So the past week, I’ve still been slacking on the food front. After that amazing loss 2 weeks back… we’ll I’m pretty sure I’ve gained all that loss back. But I have for the past week taken small steps. I’ve started getting up and out there, myself and Charlotte have been out walking 5 out of the past 7 days. We’ve completed a total of 37km so we have almost completed a Marathon in distance… and we are going to continue into next week and the foreseeable future. At some point in a month or two’s time, when the weight is lower and I don’t feel like I’m dying just walking, I’ll start introducing the jogging again. At least at the moment, with the timescale I now have… a whole year, I can focus on getting moving rather than focus on distance. Once I’m back to a better weight and feeling healthier in general, that’s when I can get the distance up with running. But for now… small steps!

I’ve officially withdrawn from the new date October for the Marathon now, hopefully the CLDF will allow me to run next year. I have asked the about changing my Just Giving page to see if I can maybe do a proper sponsor “walk” for the money already raised. (And obviously if anyone else would like to further donate you are welcome, but it’s mostly for those that have already donated so that I don’t feel I didn’t achieve it) I’m just waiting to hear back on them regarding that.

So how have the walks been going… well I’m so unfit it’s unbelievable, considering I was able to run recently, I can barely walk at moment without feeling like I’m dying… the whole “breathing” situation I’ve had in the past with running… well I now struggle with that with walking. Out of breath very easily. The second day of walking we did a hill, not a Massive hill, but a hill none the less, I felt exhausted, I had to stop about 4 times getting up the main hill and the following hill after that. Just to recover my breathing… on a plus I recovered quickly, but like I said just the having to stop in the first place was really embarrassing and down heartening.

Day 4 of us walking we did a 11.5km walk in total, a lovely walk along the river up to a place called the Heanton Inn, sadly it wasn’t open so we couldn’t have a nice cold drink in the beer garden, instead we just turned around and headed back. From leaving the house to getting back to the house was a total of the 11.5km, and a very decent amount of calories burnt. But oh my days how my legs ached. Although I don’t feel as bad, as Charlotte was also knackered and aching.

Day 5 was today’s walk, a 6.25km walk in total, to my work and back home again. We took the dog today.. not sure she appreciated the walk, but she will be coming on them more as she too needs to lose weight too. But for me the walk today didn’t seem as bad, my average HR was lower than previous and I didn’t feel quite like I was dying today.. so I think the walking is working! Just got it keep it up now, and hopefully with the adding in of eating healthier and being back on track I will be back to getting to a much healthier weight and place physically and mentally!

So wish me luck. I’ll drop back by in a few days. Until then thanks for stopping by!

Catch you soon 💕

Feeing like a Beached whale 🐋

So lockdown has far from done me any favours. Yeah being off work and spending a lot more time with the family is really good, for the past 4+ years since we moved down here I’ve only had the odd week or two annual leave time to spend with them. Working in healthcare it wasn’t even like I had weekends to spend with them. 12 hour shifts many days a weeks. And admittedly my work now is a little better, I get home at a more sensible time, but with work and college, I’m still (before this lockdown) out the house more than I’m home.

So yeah, this time with the family is nice. Don’t get me wrong there are days it’s quite difficult, not so much because the kids, they are actually overall being pretty damn good considering they are confined to the house during this time. It’s more the mental stress of not keeping busy I suppose. My sleep pattern is all over the place, going to bed at silly o’clock and getting up late morning. My Netflix binging has moved onto Amazon prime now. So at least I have plenty of choices to make on that front. But I have some really good days where I feel positive. But also have a lot of days where actually pjs are my attire, and I’m lucky if I step outside the front door. The idea of a workout sits nicely in my mind and I think of all the things I could and should be doing, but that’s all I do, think about it.

When it comes to college, I’m struggling big time, with all this time on my hands you’d think I’d be on top of it all, doing well and getting assignments done and in…. far from it, I don’t even know what I need to actually do for some of them, I’m really struggling mentally with doing them and so overall that’s just not going at all well. And that then gets to me too.

Today I went into work for a couple of hours (I have to go and do site checks a couple of afternoons a week, and it was looking a bit messy so I got permission and today spent time sweeping). Literally I swept for and hour and half, the weather was beautiful and it was nice to have the time out of the house, music playing, singing out loud (luckily I was on my own 🤣), but oh my days did I feel it. Who knew that sweeping could be so exhausting. I was aching, the broom felt like a Lead weight at times, and just how unfit I really have become came to light.

Now two weeks ago I restarted slimming world. I had an amazing first week and lost an amazing 10lbs. But then the week just gone, I really struggled. Monday was great, I kept to it, stayed on track. But Tuesday was the down day and from there it all went drastically wrong. I just felt crap, I was moody, grumpy, and feeling miserable. Not for any real reason, just one of them days. And so I ate crap. ALOT of crap, and for the rest of the week too. Everyday I’ve been telling myself .. “I’ll start tomorrow”…. but tomorrow has yet to come. I’m scared to get on the scales to see what damage I did over just one week..as I know it’s not good at all I feel I’ve put it all back on, if not some extra too….. I don’t want to know, but I also need to know. I need to face up to it and deal with it.

As I sit here now writing this, I realise just how much I need to do to get myself back on track. Luckily the marathon was postponed, but unfortunately the date it had been moved to, I am now away so can’t actually take part 🙁. I am gutted about this, but I think with the way this year has been, the holiday for us all is too important. So I will be withdrawing my place, but and it’s a big BUT, I do intend to run it next year… it may mean I have to do it for another charity, who knows, but I’m determined to get in it somehow, and if the main ballot is not kind, then I will hopefully get a charity place. On a plus, this gives me time again now to actually get my butt sorted, loose some weight and start some training. I need to do this for my own well being. I feel out of breath just walking up the stairs. My joints ache and I just feel so low in energy and motivation. All of which I know is hugely related to not actually doing anything and by being the beaches whale I have become during this lockdown period.

So tomorrow is a new day. Monday 20th April I plan to start again. The diet begins and I need to get out and get walking to begin with. I live in beautiful part of the country and the weather is pretty ok at the moment, so I need to stop with the excuses I keep coming up with for myself.. and just get moving. If I don’t do this I’m just destroying myself. So no more excuses. I know it’s not all going to be great. I’m gonna have the down days and the days when I don’t want to do anything, but I have to push myself, and on them days at least try something, but I also have to remember that that is just one day and to sometimes allow that ONE day, as long as it remains just that.. ONE day!

So I’m sorry for all the “down on myself, self pitying talk” and I hope I’ve not turned you away from my future blogs. I need all your support and I honestly I like to see when people have read the blog, lifts me a little each time.

Thanks again for taking the time. And I shall update in a few days, hopefully with some positive vibes and reports.

Tomorrow morning I will weigh and and take all measurements and we shall then go from there! I have some healthy foods in the house, and being at home I have plenty of time on my hands to cook some decent slimming world meals. Time to do some experimenting. Wish me luck with it all.

Catch you all soon 💕

Rain rain go away

I did originally plan to go for a street run today. However the elements and the Fitbit were against me. The Fitbit, my own fault really as I forgot to charge it. And to say it was dead would be an understatement. And I’m sorry but you can’t do a street run if you don’t know how far you’ve run.. it’s a wasted run 😂. So instead of putting it off til tomorrow and don’t get me wrong the urge was there, I got off my butt and went to the gym.

Original plan in mind was to do some treadmill work and then the usual floor routines. However I’m afraid to say clothing choices this evening, were shall we say, preventative of this happening. My usual attire was in the wash, and I didn’t fancy 3/4 length leggings so the only long pair of leggings I had, I put on. They did fit, just not overly comfortably. But I still wore them (next time, do not ignore the wardrobe issue and just go with the 3/4 lengths!) so needless to say they left me “fidgety” and rubbing in the tops of my thighs (apologies for the image I have now created for you lol). That along with just generally feeling uncomfortable in the gym this evening, which for anyone who has ever been gym before, knows that is just not me, I usually take the “looks” in my stride and if anything they push me further. But tonight they didn’t. To be honest I probably am just being completely paranoid, as this was first time In this specific gym by myself. Usually my gym buddy Charlotte has always been with me (and let’s just say she gets stared at, but for the complete opposite reasons lol). But there was this group of 3 people, 2 guys and a girl, who I felt were “judge staring.” Now they probably weren’t even looking at me, but you know once you get that feeling your mind goes into overdrive and of course every time they “looked around” was obviously them looking at me whilst I was dying on the treadmill. Like I said usually I use this to my favour, but today it got to me a little. I didn’t give up though and eventually they left and I was able to complete my workout, well treadmill work anyways.

So 45mins and 30secs on treadmill, 606 calories burnt and 5km in distance completed. Overall the workout left me feeling good. I actually did feel, once I got home, like I could have still gone on a street run, but I didn’t purely because of the outfit issues.

So normal attire now washed and ready for tomorrow’s workout. Back to slimming world tomorrow too, a rejoin and reset most likely. But then it’s a fresh start and a new beginning with it. Clean slate and all.

That’s all for now.

Thanks for stopping by. Catch you soon 💜

Not giving up

Well it’s been a long few weeks, they have flown by so quick in one way, but have also seemed so long… if that’s even possible.

I’ve been debating, again, whether or not to give up on this dream. Feeling very low with life. I just haven’t been able to motivate myself to do anything. Which is not very good. A downward spiral that I just can’t get out of.

I have also been experiencing some pains in my chest so decided to seek medical advice .. I don’t want to be the person that collapses on the day, so have an ECG and Blood rests booked in on Wednesday and will see what the doctor says.

I did almost use that for my escape plan. I even emailed the CLDF and explained what was going on and that I would be withdrawing from the Marathon. To my amazement the guy was pretty nice, he said not to rush into anything, and to take my time withdrawing it didn’t need to be done immediately….. But at this point I was adamant, I messaged my best friend to tell her I was giving up, and bless her she just said she was there for me no matter what. She could have lectured me, but I think she knew that honestly, deep down, a few days of thinking about things I’d reconsider, as when I messaged her to say I had changed my mind and that I’d walk it if I had to, she basically said she knew I wouldn’t give up and she was supporting me all the way 💜💜. Obviously if the results on Wednesday are not in my favour, and the GP says I’m not fit to run then so be it. But as it stands I will not be beaten.

This dawning thoughts did come after a chat with one of my bosses, he asked how my training was going, I said not great. And unlike many usual comments I hear like “oh don’t you think you should really be cracking on with it” or “you haven’t got long left” or any of the other sneering comments that are made.. he generally said to me about walking it. And that I shouldn’t give up the idea just yet. If I walked it that would be just as good. And when I explained I was worried about having to push the fundraising and then giving up closer, he said he was sure that everyone would understand, the money would still be going to a great cause and I could always do something else at a later date to make up for it.. even if it was a 26 mile walk somewhere else. And this made me think.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m still doubting myself on an hourly basis. I’m continuously arguing with myself. “If I’m not going to run much I’m not going to do it” to “you can do this, you will do this and by walking it you are still taking part” back to “if I don’t run it I’m gonna feel so gutted and like I’ve let myself down” and then back to “if you run or walk it makes no difference it’s about completing it and raising money for charity.”

But overall I’ve decided I’m going to try my best. I’m going to go to the gym, I’m going to go for runs, I’m going to focus on getting my weight down and I’m going to give this my all.

With 65days to go, it’s a close call on the revelation. But could be worse. I could have never run before and therefore Have even less chance. But my aim .. to get myself into a position where I can walk/jog on the day. Complete the marathon and get myself that medal. Then who knows maybe I might be able to get me a place next year and then I’ll run the whole thing and between now and then I’ll just keep going with the training. (Well I’ll try to anyways lol).

So I debated. I came home from work and sat on my butt and watched box sets. Then I decided I was going to the gym. So 9pm on a Friday night and off I went.. dragging Charlotte with me, yes it was me doing the dragging for a change, she was reluctant but I wasn’t taking no for an answer… (she’ll get me back I’m sure).

We went. Some treadmill work to start but I was as usual, getting into a good rhythm when the damn emergency button saw an end to that. 5mins on the bike and then off to do some floor routines. An hour after setting foot in the gym. Aching and feeling puffed, we finished. A 45second plank (not bad considering haven’t done one since … oh I can’t remember but well before Christmas just gone) to finish it off. But we did it. We got up and went. And now, yes for now, I have my mojo in place. A determination and fight back in me. (Let’s hope it’s not gone by morning).

So here we go again. Not sure how many times this is now, I’ve lost count myself. But I do thank you all for your support. It really does mean a lot. And at times I really do need to hear it 😂😊

Thanks for stopping by. Catch you soon 💜💜